When I was little I was always afraid of something

When I was little I was always afraid of something. After I saw this dorky B movie called The Giant Tarantula during one Saturday matinee, I just knew a giant spider was going to come and step on our home and smash me to smithereens. I’d lay awake at night - scared to death - awaiting my doom.
I also went through a witch phase. I didn’t know what a witch was except for the kind I had seen in the movie, The Wizard of Oz. I was afraid a witch would come into my bedroom at night and “get me”. I was always glad to have a friend spend the night or a cousin. I’d have them sleep closest to the door and figured when the witch came she’d get them first and that would give me time to flee to my parents bedroom to safety.
My parents would not let me sleep in their bed. Oh, they let me sleep there a few times - but they couldn’t go to sleep with me there - my mother would complain about me wiggling and moving and keeping her awake. BUT I had a grandma - a wonderful grandmother and she loved me sleeping with her. She’d tell me that I’d keep her warm. She missed sleeping with my grandpa and she really liked having a little grand-daughter to snuggle up to her. But alas, my mother would tell my dad that it wasn’t proper for me to sleep with her - so even that came to an end. Every now & then I’d still sneak downstairs in the night after an especially scary dream so my mother forbade my grandmother to let me sleep with her. I don’t remember grandma actually sending me back upstairs after I’d traveled that scary distance down to her - I just remember it stopped so I had no one to sleep with to keep me safe. After I was condemned to sleep alone I would get so terrified that I braved sleeping on the cold cold hard wood floor underneath my bed. I figured that a demon witch wouldn’t look underneath a bed for a little child. It never occurred to me to drag my blankets down under with me. Our house was always orderly and I made my bed every morning nice and neat. I knew I’d get into major trouble if I messed up my bed so I’d just lay there under the bed and freeze.
Because of the many many nights that I’d lay awake in terror………in paralyzing fear……..because of the many many nights I froze as I lay underneath my bed on the hard wood floor………because of the many nights I’d slowly - in the dark - travel agonizing step by step down the hall, through the kitchen, past the back door, down the scary basement stairs, through the unfinished basement all the way to my grandma’s bedroom awaiting at any moment with each step I took to be grabbed by some demon or witch or evil scientist or Dracula or Frankenstein …….. because of all that ……… I always let you children come and sleep with your dad and I anytime you wanted to when you were scared. I couldn’t bare to think of any of you laying awake terrified in your bedrooms. Of course it was a bit different for all of you because you were rarely alone in your rooms. You always had each other.
I wasn’t afraid at college. We were safe up in Deseret Towers with lots of other girls but…………..I was afraid of the dark and being alone again after your dad and I were married. We lived in an OLD creaky apartment on Carl street and each morning my clock radio would wake me up with the news of the Zodiac killer and his latest victim. I was fine during the day but one night your dad said he was going home teaching. So I had him load a shot gun and I sat paralyzed with fear in one of the only chairs we owned for two solid hours holding the shot gun waiting for your dad to get home. It was just like those Halloween stories. We lived on the 2nd floor and I heard the door open and then stomp stomp stomp stomp - footsteps up the stairs. Your dad opened our apartment door to find me aiming the loaded gun at him. He felt that he was lucky that I didn’t shoot his head off. I kept wondering when I’d outgrown my fear of the dark and of being alone. Oh, I was no longer afraid of witches and giant spiders. I was afraid of intruders - of bad men breaking into my home hiding behind the curtains just waiting to grab me and startle me. It was strange to me to discover that as soon as your dad and I bought our first home that I was never afraid to stay alone and I was never afraid of the dark ever again. It amazes me that in the summer when I wake up at 3AM or earlier how I love to walk around our property. I haven’t been scared since we first moved in to our first home at Cascade court. I wasn’t afraid at Marble drive and I’ve never ever been frightened of the boogie man ever ever at our home here at Blackoak off of Concord avenue - our beautiful home.
December 24, 2002